my bestfriend is such a sweet guy

i was depressed, he gave me this:

Before you are tempted to give up or get discouraged, remember all success is based on long term commitment, faith, discipline, attitude and few stepping stones along the way. You might not like the store you are in right now but it’s sure to be the one of the stones that leads to great opportunities in the future

i actually printed this and put it at the first page of my notebook...thanks nok!!!! i'm so lucky i have you :) love you.....

pms'ng

i asked my mom if being sad when you have your period is part of pms'ing. she said, maybe i have depression. I told her i always get sad whenever i have my period, i cry for no particular reason, i start questioning everything about myself, i just cry and try to be alone. nik on the other hand is getting pissed over my drama, even though he tried so hard to be patient and understanding, i know he's getting pissed. i do this to him all the time. i wonder how i'll be when i'm pregnant.. i guess it would be hell!haha

i'm sad right now, i'm super depressed, i want to sleep but i just cant. and if i try doing my HW (i did the research part already, i just to summarize and analize the article) my mind goes blank. i have days when i'm super depress but i fight it. its not something that needs attention w/. although i wonder what if i have?? i have an uncle (dad's bro) who had depression issues and i have a 2nd cousin who's in a high state of depression too and a cousin who got multiple personality disorder for some reason. so i guess it's in the blood...

or maybe because i've been getting frustrated of how my life is turning up. i'm getting frustrated over people's choices in life, i feel that everything is not right anymore. I'm tired, i know that for a fact although i had over 10 hours of sleep today. I don't know whats going on anymore and which path to turn when over 3 years ago, i know my goal but seems to me i forgot what it was...

other thing - had a discussion w/ hubby tonight over me saying this "well, i don't trust that friend of yours so i won't let you be w/ him alone, let alone let you guys go to vegas to visit your bestfriend together" he said DONT EVER SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT MY FRIEND %$#&. wtf... that friend of his is a crack head! ofcourse i don't trust him, even if he said that he doesn't ask him to do drugs w/ him, the temptation is there so you cant blame me right???? i was totally hurt when he said that. well, i still wont let him go w/ him anywhere together or let alone be near each other.

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as i'm at this state, i'm thinking of smoking. i barely smoke, you'd say i don't really smoke but at the moment, i'm really thinking of smoking and drinking coffee or those stay awake tablets and have a high caffeine on my system w/c is bad. and i said to myself that i'm getting weirder... tsk i don't really blame stuff on PMS, i never do. But right now, i have no other option but to just blame it on my hormones. :(

NOVA!

im jealous w/ you guys! island hopping the mt. climbing??? asar! me and allen are getting are a** froze over here and you guys are enjoying everything under the sun...man i so wish i'm over there! the next time i'll go home, lets go island hopping and other stuff too.... the last time, i was only w/ wella! so we better be complete+myti when it happens ok?!?! and details girl details!!!!! do i hear wedding bells soon????hhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm

to my friend...

i'm here for you always, i respect you for not telling us before. It's okay. I could say i know how you feel coz i've been there and i know your hubby will always take care of you. It will come, you know it will.... So you and hubby should be patient okay? for now, spend all the time in the world w/ your lil' girl. I love you.

i hurt

i hurt inside and i just want to stop hurting. funny things happen in life that sometimes you just cry instead of laughing. I don't know what to do anymore, i'm so tired of this so tired. This isn't like this all the time but when it happens, the pain is something you just cant understand. Why???????????????????? i don't deserve this. I'm tired.

Updates

January 2007:

Happy New Year to all! My blog updates would definitely late. Well, lately the connection we have here isn't really that good. My computer at work keep messing up, I need to reformat this but I'm still waiting for a perfect timing that my boss would not rush some paperwork. Internet connection keeps failing down...urghh!!!! gets into my nerve sometimes..makasapot! hehehehe...

Since I'm back from work again, I am doing the same routinary works all over again. I'm not sure on how long will I be able to stay here. I'm losing what I have studied before, how can I move on into another level when I don't know how to start again? BUMMER!!!!

tsk damn job, when will i ever have one??

I was gonna apply for a "planning intern" but i turned in my application too late so that leaves me in a dead end again. Man, i really don't know what i'm gonna do w/ my life although i love being at home and doing nothing but i just got to earn some moolah to be able to save or buy whatever i want and not feel guilty in spending it. tsk tsk...

i did apply in an employment agency to help me find the job that i want and i have an interview set for tomorrow at 12:30pm so guys, wish me luck. I wish i can see what i want in a clear view. Hubby doesn't want me to work, i know that for a fact but i'm getting too bored here that i want to do something. We haven't played golf for a while coz its been cold and well, the holiday left us both broke so we're catching up.

I wanna go to the gym, after a year break from not going to the gym, i finally want to take that step and try to make my life be healthy but i need a job to do that. Its not that expensive but i don't want to spend money that i didnt earn although i know hubby wouldn't really mind.

I've been reading too much pocket books lately, i guess i've been eating up my time reading cheesy stuff w/c reminds me of my cousin's bestfriend who's an author in pi who told me to write something and see if she can publish it...haha! yah right... i don't even write well..tsk tsk but well, my mind can make up lots of imagination but i just cant put it in writing..

anyways, i'm gonna try and make myself tired that way i can fall asleep early tonight. i really wish before this month would end, i will find a job.

i welcome 2007 w/ high level of stress

i was writing about my reflection of 2006 but i change my mind. I'm chatting w/ my cuzin, i told her about eh CO issue (hubby applying and passing the test). I'm really sad. Its new year and i'm suppose to start this year in a happy mode that way throughout the year i'd be happy but i'm not. I'm actually scared of this year for some reason. I don't know whether or not this will turn out pretty good or it will be the worst year of my life.

A realisation hit me today as we drove back home from LA (we dropped off my mom). I need to find a job and i need to have on before the month of january ends. I'm scared to make use of what i've learned because i honestly forgot most of it. I'm dumb. honestly. But i need to learn how to be independent.

I love my hubby too much, now i'm wondering, i can ever love him a lil less and put that love on myself??? i don't know where to start actually. Since the CO thingy had happen, i have hurt. I tend to keep quiet coz there's not point of arguing things. I try to convince myself that it's okay but deep down my heart, i still cant make him work over there.

If i love him less that means i wont worry as much. But that's not how its suppose to be, it wouldn't be right if i do that. But my head had been pumping too much w/ this issue. Maybe if the evaluation thingy didnt get canceled, i have a good chance on working as a junior engineer this year. That would mean i get paid well, that would mean hubby wouldn't think of looking for a job that pays 4x bigger than what he gets and ditch the nursing school.

i know everything happens for a reason but i wish 2007 would bring me luck. I'm tired of stressing. i understand though that hubby is doing this for me but living away from each other on most days of the week are for my benefit??? how so? i'm tired....