feeling ugly... just thinking

I've been looking at my old pictures and i cant believe i look like that then. Now i look so plain. I don't even have the urge to fix myself. I brush my hair, put a clip and then tie it in the back... I was never maarte in my life, but since giving birth. I don't even think of myself anymore.

The moment i wake up, i'd be wearing pj's by the end of the day, i'm still wearing pj's.... I'm thinking of going out more but w/ a baby to tag along all the time (well i cant leave her alone at the house)and the gas prices up (good thing its under 2.50 now) i feel that staying at home is better than goin to places...

I miss my old self. I got so much compliment when i went home 2 and half years ago. I never felt so good when i finally felt that i'm being appreciated.... Not that looks matters but hey it does boost out your confidence right?!

I look at my closet, i have tons of clothes but those doesnt even fit me anymore. Those are my pre-baby clothes and though they all look new to me, still even if i try it wont fit me no more... So I'd wait till i'd pop out this second one and hopefully go back to my pre-baby body...

I need new pants and jeans but i'm the kind of person who's practical. I dont want to buy any because i know i wont wear it afterwards but my jeans are basically tight on me and the one and only maternity jeans i have kinda looks funny to me now... And to think this would be my last pregnancy, yes I'm going to get ligation afterward since I don't think my body can handle more than 2 pregnancy or let alone watch 2 babies grows up...

Anyways, the bottom line, i'm feeling ugly. I look haggard. I need rest, i want to eat a lot of food that i cant find here and the whole point to this is that I wanna go home to Gensan even for a month but I cant.

Not just fare wise but other people's experience can make people be negative on things so as long as i'm pregnant. And since i havent done my oath taking yet so no new passport, I cant go home... Next year is just a year away but heck its too long, i'm afraid i'd look 10 years older by then... No i'm not vain but i'm just stating facts here... So hopefully i'll find peace with myself and start caring about how i look like.... Maybe that will happen on of these days...