happy new year everyone!

still have a day to go and its new year in this side of the world. I wonder how 2007 will turn out, i hope no more violence, pls. Let there be peaceeeeeee..... well, 2006 had been great but i wish 2007 will bring me luck in getting the job of my dreams... There's so much to be thankful for although i didnt make any new year resolution, it doesn't usually happen... so what's the point right? anyways, Happy new year to all.... Have a good one!

happy birthday to karen marielle zhou and her twin bro Kevin Ryu Zhou!

he took the test.. and i'm not happy

yes hubby took the CO test, he passed the 1st one and doing the 2nd one at the moment. I should be happy and thankful that he passed the 1st test but i'm not. This is pure honesty. I don't know what i'll do if he'll get a call for a training. That would be 4 mos away from me coz training are usually held in Stockton, CA and for one the job is in chula vista, CA (san diego area) so that means we'll be apart. I don't know if he ever think of the consequences when he applied for this one in the first place. Yes they make a lot of money but the job is really dangerous and just thinking about it makes me both sad and mad. I hate it. Now, i'm thinking of the "what if's" and i still don't know the conclusion of this. I want him to stay in school, finish the damn nursing and graduate and not get a job that would make him a lot of money that involves danger. Yes, i should be proud but from the very start he knows what i think but still he didnt listen. I should be honest to myself so i'm not gonna pretend to be happy but i'll be civil about this.

in case he gets the job, i will not spend a single cent he will make. I don't care, this is not how i want it to be. I will for one live my own life from that moment on. I will do what i want, doesnt matter if it will involve him or not. I dont care, i dont want to care anymore. I swear this marriage will suffer because of that decision and for one, i could be blame but hey! i told him from the very start that i'm not expecting too much from him. He will totally drive me away w/ this. I guess you can say i'm just being honest to myself even though i know i'm being selfish but who cares right? maybe its good that we dont have kids yet. I'm even thinking of leaving this life and go back home. Atleast over there, i am happy. I'm not saying i'm not happy but i have friends there and i know they care.

i know he's doing this for me but this is not what i want. I don't want him to be away. What's the point of being married if you live far apart right? that's messed up. besides, i followed him here in southern cali and left bay area even when i didnt want to.

hayyyy... still sick, i'm stressing and my period just started. This day is just soooooooo i don't know.

and so i got what i want:)

i'm so happy that i finally got my DSLR. Christmas passed just like that and I didnt get drunk like my cousins back home because i'm sick again right now. I wish before new year comes, i'm OK that way i can drink the martini asti we bought down stairs.... I would love to go out and take pictures but i don't want to risk it...hehe when i'm better, watch out!:) they'll be lots and lots of pictures of whatever subject i can see... i'm thinking, maybe next year i'll wish for a MAC... hehe... i hope the year 2007 would bring me luck in finding a job. i need a job, i wanna have a career and i want to grow and be able to stand in my own two feet. haaaaaaayyyy... my head is spinning so gotta go.:)

Merry Christmas Everyone!

May PEACE, LOVE, JOY and HOPE be with you and your family this holiday season.... Merry Christmas!!!!:)

i got it I got it!!!!

i so got what i wanted............. hubby loves me but can't play with it coz its already wrapped so gotta wait till xmas day to unwrap my "wish"... thank you lord!

arrggggggggghhhhh again

i went to my mom's last monday and spend the night. SHe told me to come back on friday w/ this puppy look on her face that made me say nothing.... Now my hubby's told me that we will go to san diego and visit his parents on friday...so now i told him that he has to take the test to get it over with, that way when he's taking it, i can go over to my moms.... i made peace w/ her, making her be my priority but i know nik will be disappointed, not that he doesn't want to spend time w/ her but he wants to go see his family... and i plan to pick up my mom on xmas day. so in span of 7 day, ill be driving back and forth from here to LA and back... god when will this stop, i give her my time but seems she wants everything from me...now i'm stuck again. if i tell her i cant go, she'll make me feel guilty and say that she knows she's not my priority and stuff like that but i understand what my hubby wants to do too... i know he'll say come back there AGAIN?????

remember my wish list?!

well, if you've been following me on my multiply you'll know.... so far i got 1 of the 5 stuff i wanted. its an anniversary gift from my buboo...i'm spoiled although if you ask me, i could settle for a flowers and a personalize card. i don't really need expensive stuff...really but i'm happy...hehe... well, i'm hoping i get another one from my wish list (or even better) by xmas but if not I'm happy w/ the anniv gift i got:):):)i couldn't ask for more...

am i really happy??

i've been asking this myself last night. we've reach our 2nd year anniv and i'd admit that there were moments when we just can't understand one another and we get into each other's throat and i know i'm a pain in a butt on most time...

so i was texting w/ my bestfriend nokski last night...i told him i'm sad and i wish to go home. He told me to hang in here and just talk to him (the person above) i told him that i do,i even make peace w/ myself, although i still wonder if i really did.

i'm tired. its like my whole body is bruised, mind you i get bruised easily... i've left my home town to be here, to pursue a dream, a dream that i sometimes wonder if it will ever happen. I admit that i'm lost, i don't know what i really want and i really plan on doing. 2006 is about to end and i ask myself if i've accomplished something this year... am i really happy or i'm just pretending? hayyyy.... its frustrating!

i feel safe here

but its complicated still... i still love blogging over at multiply but if i write something, i shouldn't add my sister coz my mom's open her acct w/c isn't good...she read some of my rant over there.... i made peace w/ myself last night but i dont know if i'm happy or what? strange..... happiness means being w/ my loved ones but why do i feel so incomplete??? im thankful for lots of things but i have no one around me whom i can talk to, well except for my hubby but its different having friends around.... i felt so carefree when i went home during my sister's graduation... life........ we cant have everything...

call me selfish i don't give a damn!

my buboo got a letter from the department of correctional. apparently, he applied eventhough i told him not too. Call me selfish but i don't like the people i love to join the navy, marines, military, airforce, police, fireman, correctional officer or anything that's in the service that involves risking their life. I admire those people who are in the service, they are brave but i don't want to be the one stressing over someone because i don't know whether or not they are safe.

I was disappointed when i got his letter, i was thinking of not giving it to him but i know its wrong so instead i gave it to him and waited on whether or not he got in. He needs to take the test according to the letter. Apparently, he passed the 1st step of the application. I wasn't happy about it and i didnt hide the fact that i wasn't happy at all. SO i told him this, its up to you but you know what's my stand.

I don't know if he'll even take the test but i know he's considering it. If ever he'll get in, what will i do??? give it a chance but i don't want to.... i'm a worrier...i don't want to worry. hayyyy ewan ko ba, bat kasi nakinig sa kuya about that.... grrrrrr kaka badtrip sobra!

arrggggggghhhhhhhh

arrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhh..... i'm so mad at nikolai. this i can write here in blogspot! first he didnt go to church w/ me coz he had to work at 12:30 when the church ends 11:30 and its only 5 min away. then he didnt listen to me from my mumblings about requesting to work in the morning of saturday (dec. 9) instead in afternoon coz we need to go to LAX to drop off my grandma. Wtf! does he even care at all???? i'm so mad at him right now that i just want to go far far away and take a breather..... you may think, i'm so babaw but if you think about it, i've told him nth times that to ask. so i told him. work! i'll figure something out. dammit. this guy is a pain in a butt... i just wanna kick him....

I finally DELETED HER!

that makes the two of us now we!!!

pissed!!!!!!

i'm so f*cking pissed w/ someone. She's a classmate in HS. Not a friend actually. She's on my multiply that's why i'm posting this here. I still don't know the way around this thing, actually its my friend wella who made this acct. coz she and nova updates here than multiply. Since there's no cubeblog, it seems that a lot of people joined multiply. Its not that i don't want to add other people on my multiply acct. its just that i'm more comfortable w/ the people that i blog w/ on multiply since i joined in.

I'd say that there are people on my contacts that wants their privacy, and i respect that although those people haven't been updating recently, guess works must have kept them busy or they're just getting tired of blogging. either way, i respect their decision on doing that. Still they'll be my contact till i'll be a member of multiply.

Back to that person whom i'm so pissed. She's so annoying. I'm not the only one who think she is though, 2 of bestfriends thinks she's super nosy and she assume things that's not even right. I flared up on her one time when she made a comment out of my friends entry. READ BEFORE YOU COMMENT! dammit! she sent me a PM but i didnt reply and i don't check her entry anymore till she wrote something about the multiply thingy. What the hell does she wants? Does she want to fight me?? Now my bestfriend Allen is pissed w/ the entry too.. Haha i just don't know when will she ever make an entry out of.

I'm thinking of deleting her. Funny she had added people from my contacts like my sister, my sister-in-law, my cousin in CDO and a lot more. This girl should stop. I dont want to be mean but man, she's pushing me to my limits. I swear, i could say bad things but i'm stopping myself and the reason why i'm blogging here, to hell if she ever read this is that i don't want to write this on my multiply although i'll be sending links to some people.

sibling rivalry

i warn you this would be long (i think)
Mom's bday is tomorroy (5/18) and since i'm in US, and it's only the 17th of May here, i don't think i should be greeting my mom yet right?! Tonight when the clocks hand points to 12am, then i will.
My mom makes me feel that i'm such a bad kid, that i don't give a damn about stuff. I do. Mother's day she told me that my lil bro beat me coz he greeted her first on mother's day. I said well, its not mother's day here yet so no point for me to greet you (and i have a gift for her for mother's day you know). But she keeps saying that my siblings back home always greets her on occasions ahead of me. Hello! there's a time difference. They're in pi and i'm here. HELLO!!!
Mother's day, i felt hurt coz i have this gift and she told me that but i just sucked it up anyways. Then my sister had a hard time looking for a place to stay in davao and as a sister, even though i'm far away, i felt that i should help. So i did and i told my mom, what did i get?! a reply "DON'T HELP, LET ME AND YOUR AUNT(dad's sis) DO IT AND DECIDE." w/ words between the lines of MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
I was worried for my sister part coz she's taking the hardest test in the philippines (her chosen profession) and she only got a week left yet she doesn't have a place to stay. So, eventhough they told me not to help, i still did what i could, contact some people and i finally found a place for her and friend w/c is accessible to where she's going to have the review and take the test and well, to the malls and etc.
I help because she's my sister and i love her. I know she's scared and eventhough we werent that close till we reach HS years (well, she used to live w/ my aunt and moved back w/ us during her HS years) i know her. She's my sister. And eventhough she's spoiled, i know how to tame her and give her a wack when she needed it and vice versa.
i know my mom thinks that her plans for me change when i got married but if there's someone in my family who know everything. its my sister. My mom always say she's close to me but she doesnt even know how i feel.
I was suppose to buy her a gift but i changed my mind. Funny how even i'm married, she can still hurt me. if only she knows.

is it guilt?!

i have no idea if my sister ever reads on this site but what the heck, i'm gonna write something thats on my mind anyways. besides, its not a bad blog...

i'm wondering why mom and dad keeps getting mad at me for suggesting something about my sister's situation. and how they keep saying this and that. I've been there but hey! i didnt really asked help and i know my sister is doing the same thing but i think they're just being guilty for not being there.

My friends knows how different i am w/ my sister. I admit that, i'm more rebellious but hey, i have fear. My bestfriends know the details of my life, they've seen me cry, they've seen me crash and all that but still, they know that every details of my life i still think about my family. Some may think (esp. my family) that i may be selfish for getting married so quick but as you think about it, there's reasons on everything. And even w/ reasons left undtold, still, my friends know i'm still thinking about my family.

Tonight, i have a discussion w/ my mom again. Ofcourse about my sister, I admit i'm concerned that my sister doesnt have a place to stay for her review till the nursing board is over in davao but my sister never asked for help, she's the type of person who get hysterical on something when she feels that she cant handle it anymore. I told her before to call some of my friends who lives in davao but she insisted that they said they don't know anyplace. SO i said, ok (Then). But when i heard that its only a week left and still no place to stay, i started to contact some of my friends.

Wella said she'll ask, preciatte it we. Twinks said she doesn't really know, its ok twinks:). Yam2 said, she knows a place, there we have it. A friend who happens to be a friend of my sister too yet she never asked her. So, i texted her and told her to go online. Then chatted w/ her and told her to contact our friend. So she said she will... but my aunt found a place yet, i have a feeling my sister wont be comfortable over there, and i for one want her to be comfortable, i've been there and i know how hard it is. but i have faith in her and i know she'll make it (pls. lord)

so, i told my mom about it. She started saying this and that to me. wtf?! i'm trying to help my sister. She then said, i should stop, let her and dad figure it out. Ok fine. I wont say a thing about it. Now i wonder, is it guilt why they are doing this? i mean my sister's HS grad, both of them weren't around but mine, both of them were present. College grad, my dad was present, mom was here in US already. My board exam, dad himself looked for a place for me to live in cebu. Well, there's a reason why you know. It was part of the deal. If they allowed me to review in manila, then it was my call but they didnt want me there, they said just cebu so instead they made all the arrangement. Its all like me wanting to study else where but they made a deal of giving me a car if i study in nddc.

i know i'm spoilled but my friends knows who the real me is. I still believe that i'm lucky to have friends like them because they listen to what i have to say and what i really mean to say. I guess sometimes in a family, we could be blacksheep eventhough others think we're not.

Its not easy to be married but i wont change it for anything. I'm happy and thats important right?! one thing too, i have a feeling that the reason why my parents are so scared of my sister is because they think that she's the only one who can help them and i'm just too selfish to do that... am i? i don't think so.

if i have hurt them in a way, you know that they have hurt me too. but hey! that's life

TO all the mom!

Happy mother's day... Mom, i love you so much! Thanks for everything...mwah!!! twinks & allen, happy mums day to u guys!mwah!

long rant

have you ever got so pissed w/ the situation that you know you can be a big help if you say your opinion and just got "shut up! and dont tell me what to do coz i've decided and we did the same thing to you on your time"???? i got that today... wtf?! i'm setting this up not to be read by anyone related to me. I got really hurt today, i mean i was just telling my opinion and what i know and hello! i just got back from pi and i saw the situation there so i feel that my opinion mattered.
here's the story, my dad recently sold my sisters car coz it eats up the gas too much and since my sister is so maarte, she's been using my car since i left pi. I didnt really care though i wish it was really taken cared of coz hey! on my time i really value what was given to me and i didnt just crash it or anything like that.
anyway, so he sold her car since its not being used anymore. now we got the van (too big for her and only used on long distance drive), multicab (i dont know if everyone knows what kind of wheels this is but this is small and used for catering and is currently broken w/ i dont know reason), lancer (its broken too, w/ i dunno reason why), and a bike.
when i took my review for the board exam, i brought my car w/ me in cebu. not because i wanted to but because it was part of the bribery that my dad make for me. I mean i wanted to review in manila but he didnt want me too so instead he bribe me (like he did when i was studying in college, was suppose to study in cebu/manila instead i got bribe to study in gensan in return i get a car) that i can live in an apartment (that he want) and i can have my car w/ me...so i thought of it then, what a convinience right?! so i choose that instead of the arrangement of what i really wanted coz i know i'm gonna end up loosing anyways.
so now back to the story, my sister was saying that the apartment in davao is too expensive and my parents asked how much, she said P3T (not aircon) so my parents went "WHAT?!" thats it?! my dad started saying hey i paid P8T (studio w/ aircon/ref/own bathroom) a month for 5 months plus gas allowance and etc for anna and she's complaining for 3T?!... okay, my sister is trying to be goody good on their image. but hey! it was his choice right? i didnt mind leaving in a dorm if i had it my way you know...so my dad told my sister that too look for an apartment that could make her and my cousin comfortable and whatever is the cost since they'll be staying there for 3weeks only, he will pay but its my cousin who should bring his car not her coz my dad is coming back from the states and he doesnt have reliable car in his hands if my sister brings my car.
so thats when the discussion started. My sister started saying that they might as well not bring a car if thats the case coz my cousins car is not reliable. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD...he just drove it to davao when i was in gensan and you tell me its not reliable enough?!! so from there i told them my opinion and about my cousin driving his car to davao w/o any problem and so on. then i ask so what now? is she bring the car to davao then? and there it was... YES she is... so i said well, your problem is you always have to follow what she want and never lay down your cards. then my dad told me to "shut up! and dont tell me what to do coz i've decided and we did the same thing to you on your time." You are complaining to me and you tell me this?!it got me actually, i mean it was a stab straight to my heart, i wanted to say something back but i decided not to.
my lola who currently lives w/ us who's on my nerves recently coz she's been really bitchy since she got here says something when we were in the discussion "thats what you get! da!" i wanted so much to say something. I swear there are things ive known that i'm keeping to myself that i wanna say stuff but then i again i thought, i should shut up.
i dont wanna compare myself to my sister and say i'm better coz there are things that ive done that i know hurt my parents but i just cant help wonder why. I know she's smarter than me. I find myself dumb actually but why is it that when it was me before, i have fear to do this and that coz i know my parents would get mad. or i have to tell my friends and classmate this and that so that my family can have their privacy but my sister doesnt.
i cant say that the civil engineering was an easy major you know. But why is it that i can make time for other things as well. When i went home, my lil brother told me, its different around here since you left, things are falling apart and no one cares. I asked him why, he said its like there's no girls living in this house anymore. My yaya (servant) says the same thing... sad...
I have a feeling that the reason that my parents are so afraid of my sister is that they feel she's the only one who can help them. There are things in life that i did w/o thinking but hey, in my heart i know that it was the right thing.
sorry guys this is long, its just that i'm really sad and i have to let it out. thanks for reading this...

RIP Lolo Vic

my lolo just passed away, around 8:10am today february 22, 2006 in manila. I don't understand how i feel, i'm sad, i'm numb, i'm speechless and i don't know how to react. I guess crying helps to let out how you feel right?!Rest in peace Victoriano De Gracia... I love you lolo....

my lolo...

at the moment my grandfather is in manila doctors ICU. His heart is giving up on him and there's nothing we can do. He's 79 years old, turning 80 this coming june, i guess he'll never reach that age unless miracle happens.

10 years ago he had a heart surgery. He had triple bypass (if i'm not mistaken). He survived and lived like a happy ol' man. He was happy but he's hardheaded...He loves sweet, so he end up being diabetic. So from that his health started to deteriorate. His vision aint clear, he had hearing problems and had numerous trips to the ICU since then.

Even with that situation, we know he was happy. His kids all finish college and most of them are successful. I cant really say much about it coz i wasn't really close to them. Why!? well, my mom's family live in manila while we live in general santos. I see them every other year for just 3 weeks the most but it doesn't mean i dont love them, i'm just not as close to them as my grandma in my father side. Ofcourse, it sadden me to hear the news that he's deteriorating now (meaning dying) and well, i cried last night while praying.

I don't want him to die but i also don't want him to suffer. My uncle (a doctor in manila) was told that my lolo had a renal failure. He needs to have dialysis and what he need the most if another bypass and it doesnt mean he'll survive the surgery. Chances are he wont. As for the dialysis. My uncle said its better not to have him that. Its painful, he's suffering now more than ever and they don't want him to suffer more. I guess you could say anytime now he could die.

I want him to wait 2 more years. If only i could pause whats going on over there and fast forward what happening here and things would be better. My whole family could come and see him as he say goodbye to this world but i can't I'm not god. I'm just his oldest girl apo.

i know my mom is in a difficult position at the moment. I'm glad that my dad is here to cheer her up though sometimes i see she's getting irritated but its better to have someone to lean on than absorb everything for yourself. My mom wont go home, they decided that they need the money more now than her goin there since she cant do anything. its sad but we have to face the facts.

I asked myself is it worth to live here in the US when you're so far away from your family and you cant do anything when something happens over there. My answer is, it may not be worth it but by living here, we work, we earn and we get to help people out when they are in need. Sometimes i wish i have so much money at moments like this but i tell myself i'm still lucky coz i get to eat 3x or more in a day and i have a good roof above my head...

Well, anytime my grandfather die. I want him to know this. I love him so much. He raised the best mother i could ever asked for. I thank him for being such a great lolo to me. He's the only lolo i've ever known and i'm so thankful that in my lifetime i get to meet him. I love you lolo vic.... may you not suffer anymore...

please help me pray for him....thanks

when you love....

love changes everything, i believe in that.... If you say it's base from experience,well some i'd say yes and some well is from the people i know...
The way i love, well, its kinda interesting. I'm the type of person that is really tough inside and out but when i love someone, those defenses breaks and i become vulnerable. I tried to stop that feeling but i just can't. Its easy to say that i'd love the person but i won't give him my all but thats a lie coz i know for a fact that often give everything. even when i try so hard to leave some for myself..
I been in relationships that didnt work. flings that leads no where coz family can't accept the person no matter what and love that you know is useless even when you try so hard to make things work.
Pride in love, well i don't really think it should be involve. I use to think about my ego more than what i feel but things had change, relationship wont work if you have that but respect should be present. I really believe that respect and trust is really important in a relationship. if you don't have that, better call it quits or else you'll end up hurting each other in the long run.
I'm spoiled when it comes to relationship. I want all the attention to myself. i admit that but hey, it doesnt mean that you have to give me 24/7 of your attention, an hour a day is enough for me, or for my case since my husband and I got different time schedule, i work -he's in school, i get home-he's at work, he gets home-i'm asleep...so you see, the in betweens that we see each other is enough for me... thats how i am and i don't think i can change but i'm trying...
well, in life, you cant help it if family comes in and bug you w/ your relationship. They approve yet mostly they don't esp. when you're only girl but heck it doesn't mean that if you love someone, since your parents doesnt agree, you cant fight for it... If the guy love you, he'll do everything to make your parents mind change...i believe in that but if he won't do anything, thinking still your parents wont change their minds and yet you and him sneak out and shit happens, well be prepare to suffer the consequences...its your decision, its your life...
i'm lucky i have such wonderful family though sometimes its too much on my part. there are things i want to express that i cant and i choose to be quiet, that way things will stop right there yet if you hurt, cry it out. Its better that way than sucking it all up. And with this, i believe the true meaning of friendship, your true friends will be there for you no matter what. even when you haven't heard from them for a while, when you get the chance to communicate, they will always back you up.... cherish your friends...love them...
i'm gonna end this now, i know i'm blabbering...i have nothing else to do and my mind is not in place at the moment...a lot of things happen this past week, i may be gazillion miles away from my family back home but heck when a problem strike, we stick together... my grandma raised us that way....
i dont regret in my life. every decision i made has its reasons. I love my family, i love nik, i love my self, and i love my friends...they are my treasures in life... whatever it is i did in the past, it made me a better person but i can't help but hurt people along the way. I wish karma would understood why things happen..it happens for a reason, its the way my life is...

test????!

ok wella & nova, i'm here....add me up gwaps! will post blogs here too...:)