when u realize u are alone

When you realize you are alone, it feels like a knife had stab you in your heart and then you stop and stare at the most beautiful thing you've ever seen in your entire life, your child.

I have Kali, i know that for sure. And I need to feel brave and strong even when I feel like i'm tired and hurting.

The irony of it all, i don't even know where to begin. i'm not materialistic, yes i admit i like nice stuff but I know when I can/can't buy.

just venting out

I guess i am really a bad person. Drama happens even when you don't even know you cause it. I hate drama.

It makes u wonder when you marry someone on how you should handle your life and what will your life become? I am happy, I love my husband and my baby but i just can't seem to please everybody in this lifetime.

When we marry and have kids, isn't it suppose to be your priority is your hubby and kid 1st before anything else? I get confuse coz i often gets to be in the middle that sometimes i know i jeopardize my relationship. I know its stupid but when you know my sit. you'll understand where i'm coming from.

I am really stressed out over some things that i didnt do but apparently hurt someone dear to me. I choose to ignore the problem and go on w/ my life because I ask myself on what i did wrong and i can't come up w/ a single reason.

Maybe choosing not to ask question that i know would cause more drama was wrong and it created more problems to a point of saying that "lets just not see each other coz you keep on hurting me".

I choose not to ask because i know it would put me in the middle of something that i don't want to be on. I said something when i know someone in the crowd is associated on someone who "majority" they were saying. I shouldn't have said racist,instead i should have said stereotype but i think it will leave her getting hurt and still i am wronged!

I am tired, hubby said to apologize but not to cry. I'm a cry baby. I have been apologizing in my entire existence because they know they can hurt me when they want to. So how can i apologize w/o crying and knowing for a fact that i did nothing wrong.

My dad drives faster than my hubby and yet i hear no complain. HA! why is it that when it comes to hubby, the blood just boils!? i don't understand that. I'm married. I am for 3 and half years now. I know i hurt them when i got married w/o them to witness it but its a long time ago and i think we should just get over that and go on w/ our lives and not bring it back all the time.

I need to be accepted as a married person. I respect you and you know that but i am an easy target to blame and stress on yet i don't think that's fair for me. I'm tired. If my relationship falls apart know that one way or the other, this drama is PART OF THE REASON why!

Its funny, i didn't even do anything yet I get to suffer.... It would have been a great vacay but too much drama!thank god i have Kali...

i hate drama1

i've been stressed out because i don't like what going on w/ my body. I get paranoid that one day i'd wake up and my time is clicking. I need to be strong for Kali. You wouldn't want to miss out your kid growing up right?! I try not to abuse myself. Heck! i quit all bad habits (no alcohol, no drugs [w/c i never tried], and no cigarettes [mind you i only smoke when i'm drunk and this was way back in college])but i haven't quit sleeping late.Even if I want to i cant so its just so hard...

Anyways, i hate it when people do drama and makes you feel bad. I know i ain't perfect but i have a lot more stuff to stress about other than adding more to it. If i'm so insensitive i shouldn't be feeling bad/sorry or even trying to figure something out in helping a certain person. So now i tell you I HATE DRAMA...

I guess having your phone run out of battery is sometimes a good solution on not to hear drama... sorry i'm just venting. I cant write this stuff over at my multiply, can I?!

crazy so. cali!

ok the weather is getting crazy here in the southland... Its just reminding us that global warming is happening and not only we have the earthquakes here, apparently WE HAVE TORNADO's TOO!!! crazy... It happen about 15 min away from where we live. Just off at march airforce base... Crazy if you ask me.... My friends place got rained w/ hail (as big as marbles) and she sent me video and pix of it... I'll upload it when i get a chance... But anyways, weather forecast says it could happen again tomorrow. Hopefully NO TORNADO!! jeezuzzzz... I'm scared of that...

i need to have a transfusioin

My doc called and told me that they got my blood test and everything is low. I wasn't surprise but she told me to go to ER and get a transfusion w/c I don't want to do... HECK i havent had transfusion in a long time 4.5years to be exact and i dont think i'll ever get one soon...so now i'm being refered to a hematologist...so we'll see

BF at 75

We only see or hear this in Hollywood actually but when its someone in your family that's dating at the age of 75, its just so weird... I can totally understand when your mom totally disagree w/ the situation but I won't say anything because she's not my mom and if its my mom, well I will totally give her silent treatment for the longest time and if you know me, you'd know i can do that...

Some says to just support "her" w/ this because she's old and she wont have that much time to live but if my mom doesn't feel right about this so she's entitled to feel that way and you shouldn't rub it on her face because she doesnt like the SITUATION...

Piece of advice though, Tell your siblings that way they know that "she" is acting like a teenager when "she" is suppose to act like her age... And tell them about her being U-F to some people they know too... If its my mom, i will definitely not tolerate it...oh well, i'm lucky because it isn't her:):)

anyways, been a while since i posted something here... I'll try to use this more often now that the multiply is being flooded by mi familia and I don't want them to read my thoughts, do I???hehe

so ttfn gotta hit the bed!:)nyty nyt!

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when people bully you

THEY MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE NOT A GOOD MOM AT ALL....

i feel so damn alone i swear to god! THIS ISN't EVEN POST PARTUM DEPRESSION because i never even thought of that... This is because they make you feel like you are.

belated happy thanksgiving

hay 8 more days to go and still no signs of Kali... I really hope i dont have to be induced and that she comes out soon...please baby girl, daddy and mommy wants to meet you as well as you grandparents and aunties and uncles:):)

ang tagal naman

2weeks and 5 days left before Kaliah is due to come out. It could come out sooner or it could come out way way later... I want her out now, i'm really not comfy even it the thought of giving birth is scaring the heck out of me. Okay lang, i'm super excited to meet my lil angel...

saying thank you

i've been sending out thank you card from the shower i got. I actually had 18 cards mailed already and those addy that i got late are the ones i'm working on at the moment. Anyways, I asked nik and SIL nikki if i have to send a card to this one particular couple that nik, nikki and nikko doesnt like. Just to be polite, i'll send one because they did give me a gift and they drove about 60mi just to be here. But they don't like this couple, they have a really good reason why actually and they actually don't understand why they were invited the my MIL in the first place. Like SIL nikki said, things in the PAST should remain in the PAST. to forgive doesn't mean you have to go out of your way and embrace them w/ open arms. 19 years something something is SOMETHING and well, they were affected too... I can't blame them...

now i got the addy i needed from my SIL that she asked from my MIL... the couple's addy is one of them so i had to make her call me and ask her if i'm really suppose to be sending those people a thank you card???? She didnt know that one of the names she got me was those couple, SO.... in order for me to not get in trouble. I am sending a THANK YOU CARD to that couple. I will say thank you for attending, thanks for the gifts. but that's pretty much it and I used Anna and Nik instead of Anna and Nikolai and no return addy... so i guess that's the right thing to do... I don't want to hurt Nik, Nikki and Nikko. and I don't want to disobey my MIL... so i'm in the middle of all these...tsk tsk

washing mode

Okay since my friend Ar gave birth 5 weeks early, it made me paranoid and started washing Kali's clothes, blanket, towels, beddings and etc. I have to put the bottles in the dishwasher soon too, well i just need to do the thorough cleaning since its the first cleaning but will be washing it again when i use it...

I have to really start packing my stuff for the hospital as well as Kali's stuff. I have to move to SD (inlaws) pretty soon too but the thought of leaving Nik here by himself makes me sad... I bet he'll be just sleeping and well, playing play station..hahaha

But who's gonna feed him? well right now, i'm not really doing a great job on that but hey, i'm pregnant and I get tired and bored from cooking these days. When i go to the cooking mode, i'd cook whatever... And lately, i've been eating fish! woohoo...

I have to cut donw my carbs actually and I really need to exercise... Man i'm really scared but excited. I wish kali would come out on the due date, but we'll see... On monday, i'll have the Lamaze class...hehe i'll be doing just 1 session and well, i'll let instinct do its job...

anyway, i have to finish ironing Kali's stuff...hehe arte ng baby na sobra!tsk tsk

all for kali now...

My birthday is coming up in 11 days and i'm really excited because prior to my birthday would be Kali's shower.... I cant wait to open the gifts i'm receiving. So far I have 4 downstairs that i so want to open but shouldn't coz i have to wait till the 29th.

I wanted a lot of things for my birthday but i'm making a priorities, I shouldn't ask for anything from my hubby and my parents because they've given me way too much for Kali.

SO bu asked me what i want. I wanted the SB800 flash for a long time now but its expensive so that's out of the list. Macbook?well, i know i cant have that unless we'll win some jockpot or something...hehe so i told him, i want the 50mm nikon nikkor lens, its only $119 in ritz camera but I'm thinking I really shouldn't be asking any gift this year, Maybe next year I can but this year, I've received so much from the people i love...

hayyy... its all for Kali now:)

lost in this world

i don't know where i am, i don't know where i'll be. I know this shall pass but it made me wonder, WHERE IN THE WORLD DO I WANT TO PLACE MYSELF AT??? I shouldn't be asking myself this, I should know where I stood but I don't. We call this crossroads but to be honest, i've been in this crossroads for so long.

in 12 weeks I'll meet my lil' girl. I should know and be certain where my life is heading before she comes out but Its hard. I've always been amaze w/ my dad's work that's why i followed him but now I'm hesistating. I should have taken nursing. I would have used it right away but we all know i never liked science.

Now i'm thinking of getting that course. For the sake of giving my family a better life. But will I be happy? Will i find myself? I don't know. Happiness is within. I'm happy but i'm hesitant to what I want in my life.

If only I know where I'm heading, i'd be sure that whatever I decide is right. But right now i cant afford to make mistake. I cant afford to be wrong. I should be a good example. I'm tired. I'm hella tired but Life must go one.

I used to know what i want. I used to know what my goal is but now its all UNCERTAIN... I just go w/ the flow. I just follow where the breeze sends me. I just hope wherever it goes, it will be the right thing to do...

our electric bill

its getting higher and higher since the summer started but not as bad as it was last year. Last year however our housemate didnt really care that it was the DAD paying for it but my ever so nice hubby cared so he told his parents after settling down here and having a job that he'd start paying for the bills... Well it was after summer so it wasn't that Bad.

Last year it was 3 months of bet. 200 - 300 dollars a month. August was the baddest that it reach almost $400. Tsk.. Nakakahiya pero yung mga tao dito walang HIYA!

This year it started w/ $90 for june $120 for july and $180 for august... Mind you Nik doesnt make a lot, dapat 1 week of his pay will just go sa utilities then the other 1 week for the credit card bills then the next 2 weeks are for groceries/gas and savings and well a lil dine out...

And suppose this "housemates" we have are to move out... THey've been here for 2 days for some military duty and the girl (i actually like her except the fact that di nagtatyaga sa heat!!!) and they haven't finish packing their stuff kaya di namin magawang maayos room nila! its the GUEST ROOM! they'll have their own place so they better not think its their room parin... so anyhow, THEY'VE BEEN TURNING ON THE AC IN THE MORNING!!!! ITS NOT FAIR KASI I MAKE TYAGA TILL NIK GETS HOME FROM WORK @4pm AND HAVE IT ON FOR AN HOUR OR 2 JUST TO COOL UP THE HOUSE PERO SILA NOOOOOOOOOOOO....

dammit! i really want to settle this AC issue, i swear its not being fair anymore... I am suffering from the heat to you know but am I complaining??? NOOOOO... i suck it up and deal w/ it... I just hope they stop coming to this house i swear!!!!

opinion PLEASE!!!

okay i made a registry at http://www.babiesrus.com since everyone except nik has been telling me to make one. Well, I finally did and I'm kinda uncomfortable because some stuff are just expensive. Not that i chose it to be expensive its just that I went for stuff w/ good reviews and something that is really important and safe. Safety is an issue and getting stuff that doesnt have a good review is a waste right??

so anyways, i did make one but i havent told anybody except well Nik since i showed him the stuff i posted and my SIL although she hasn't seen it yet... I'm hoping that I'll get all the stuff i posted para i dont have to buy that much anymore but ofcourse, WE ARE buying the crib, changing table and stroller. So that's not in the list... Too bad all my friends are so far away, so i really hope someone will get me those stuff!!!hahaha

so if you're me, will you make a registry? di ba nakakahiya???

dont u think its unfair?

2 people who lives w/ us here in the house are being a pain. They think that because this isn't their place, they can just do what they want. Heck! it annoys me when they see us clean, i mean thoroughly cleaning the place and yet they still mess it up. Like the kitchen, you see we spray it w/ disinfectant and yet they mess it up w/ sticky stuff and they just wipe it in a way that its sticky... doesn't that ever annoy you???

or they turn on the AC when we don't even though that coz we conserve energy and even if its hot, we just let the fan do its job instead of saying, Man its HOT and switch the AC on... I can do that if im insensitive but i dont since i pity Nik for he's the one paying for the electric. I barely even wash our clothes, i mean, I wash prolly 3x a month that way its a lot and i don't have to use too much heater on the dryer although i know it uses more of the electric than the gas in the first place and yah, we pay for the water too... Paying for the Gas and the Phone after over a year of living here isn't that bad right? I mean you werent even sensitive enough to think that the Dad is paying $300/mo for 3 months over summer because you were living high and mighthy w/ the AC on all the time because it was hot.

I can totally relate w/ how we feel in this place, its like Hell but then, i'm trying to be sensitive in not making my husband pay more than enough and besides he doesn't make that much. Fuck! this really frustrate me but like my husband says, money isn't worth fighting for but someday somehow a time will come that i will not keep my mouth shut and say what i wanna say. Fuck if i'm the bad person but hey! look into yourself and ask AM I BEING FAIR TO THIS PEOPLE????

i think she is!

i think my sister is bipolar! i talked to her OMG she's just so weird, its like 2 personality in one... Oh well, she's still my sister even if she hurt me a lot i still love her but well I don't think ill ever ask favors from her ever...

it hurts to hear your sis say....

i hurt so bad right now.... A person who is flesh and blood has said after my mom told her that when she's here she can help me out coz i'm about to give birth by that time and she just replied "AYOKO NGA, GAWIN NYA LANG AKONG YAYA" in a bitchy way. I hurt. I never do that to my siblings, never did. My brother was here for 7 weeks and never did i ever commanded him to do something for me, he hates it when i carry the laundry basket saying I shouldn't be carrying heavy stuff because its bad for the baby. I've been living here for 3.5 years now and I've been able to survive everything. A person, flesh and blood says that to your mom about you and your mom knowing you will find out told me before i get to hear it from someone else. It hurts... try to imagine how it feels but i'm not gonna mop around and live my life because of what she said. I have Nik, i have my mom and i have people who are more willing to help me in everyway they can even when they are so far away...

sorry mag mumura talaga ako eh!

magmumura ako dahil gusto ko at dahil naiinis ako sa ginagawa mo! tang-ina! wala ka na ba talagang pakialam sa family natin? ganyan nalang ba talaga tingin mo sa tatay mo porke nakapagtrabaho ka? sino ka sa akala mo? dahil ba nurse ka ganyan ka na mag asta? ang yang boyfriend mo PUTANG INA NYO! kahit kapatid kita, tangina ni minsan di ko ginawa yang pinagagagawa mo sa nanay at tatay natin. KUNG WALA KANG RESPETO! Umalis ka sa bahay at wag ka nang mag hanap ng pamilya dahil kung ayaw mo sa amin, pwes ayaw ka din namin. Akala mo kung sino ka talaga, kung ikaw mabubuntis! tang-ina ang TANGA MO! letche ka! ginagawa mo kaming tanga lahat, kapag nagkasakit si dad ikaw lahat sisisihin namin hangang sa di mo kayanin...mark my word mark my word! fuck you!