when people bully you

THEY MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE NOT A GOOD MOM AT ALL....

i feel so damn alone i swear to god! THIS ISN't EVEN POST PARTUM DEPRESSION because i never even thought of that... This is because they make you feel like you are.

belated happy thanksgiving

hay 8 more days to go and still no signs of Kali... I really hope i dont have to be induced and that she comes out soon...please baby girl, daddy and mommy wants to meet you as well as you grandparents and aunties and uncles:):)

ang tagal naman

2weeks and 5 days left before Kaliah is due to come out. It could come out sooner or it could come out way way later... I want her out now, i'm really not comfy even it the thought of giving birth is scaring the heck out of me. Okay lang, i'm super excited to meet my lil angel...

saying thank you

i've been sending out thank you card from the shower i got. I actually had 18 cards mailed already and those addy that i got late are the ones i'm working on at the moment. Anyways, I asked nik and SIL nikki if i have to send a card to this one particular couple that nik, nikki and nikko doesnt like. Just to be polite, i'll send one because they did give me a gift and they drove about 60mi just to be here. But they don't like this couple, they have a really good reason why actually and they actually don't understand why they were invited the my MIL in the first place. Like SIL nikki said, things in the PAST should remain in the PAST. to forgive doesn't mean you have to go out of your way and embrace them w/ open arms. 19 years something something is SOMETHING and well, they were affected too... I can't blame them...

now i got the addy i needed from my SIL that she asked from my MIL... the couple's addy is one of them so i had to make her call me and ask her if i'm really suppose to be sending those people a thank you card???? She didnt know that one of the names she got me was those couple, SO.... in order for me to not get in trouble. I am sending a THANK YOU CARD to that couple. I will say thank you for attending, thanks for the gifts. but that's pretty much it and I used Anna and Nik instead of Anna and Nikolai and no return addy... so i guess that's the right thing to do... I don't want to hurt Nik, Nikki and Nikko. and I don't want to disobey my MIL... so i'm in the middle of all these...tsk tsk

washing mode

Okay since my friend Ar gave birth 5 weeks early, it made me paranoid and started washing Kali's clothes, blanket, towels, beddings and etc. I have to put the bottles in the dishwasher soon too, well i just need to do the thorough cleaning since its the first cleaning but will be washing it again when i use it...

I have to really start packing my stuff for the hospital as well as Kali's stuff. I have to move to SD (inlaws) pretty soon too but the thought of leaving Nik here by himself makes me sad... I bet he'll be just sleeping and well, playing play station..hahaha

But who's gonna feed him? well right now, i'm not really doing a great job on that but hey, i'm pregnant and I get tired and bored from cooking these days. When i go to the cooking mode, i'd cook whatever... And lately, i've been eating fish! woohoo...

I have to cut donw my carbs actually and I really need to exercise... Man i'm really scared but excited. I wish kali would come out on the due date, but we'll see... On monday, i'll have the Lamaze class...hehe i'll be doing just 1 session and well, i'll let instinct do its job...

anyway, i have to finish ironing Kali's stuff...hehe arte ng baby na sobra!tsk tsk

all for kali now...

My birthday is coming up in 11 days and i'm really excited because prior to my birthday would be Kali's shower.... I cant wait to open the gifts i'm receiving. So far I have 4 downstairs that i so want to open but shouldn't coz i have to wait till the 29th.

I wanted a lot of things for my birthday but i'm making a priorities, I shouldn't ask for anything from my hubby and my parents because they've given me way too much for Kali.

SO bu asked me what i want. I wanted the SB800 flash for a long time now but its expensive so that's out of the list. Macbook?well, i know i cant have that unless we'll win some jockpot or something...hehe so i told him, i want the 50mm nikon nikkor lens, its only $119 in ritz camera but I'm thinking I really shouldn't be asking any gift this year, Maybe next year I can but this year, I've received so much from the people i love...

hayyy... its all for Kali now:)

lost in this world

i don't know where i am, i don't know where i'll be. I know this shall pass but it made me wonder, WHERE IN THE WORLD DO I WANT TO PLACE MYSELF AT??? I shouldn't be asking myself this, I should know where I stood but I don't. We call this crossroads but to be honest, i've been in this crossroads for so long.

in 12 weeks I'll meet my lil' girl. I should know and be certain where my life is heading before she comes out but Its hard. I've always been amaze w/ my dad's work that's why i followed him but now I'm hesistating. I should have taken nursing. I would have used it right away but we all know i never liked science.

Now i'm thinking of getting that course. For the sake of giving my family a better life. But will I be happy? Will i find myself? I don't know. Happiness is within. I'm happy but i'm hesitant to what I want in my life.

If only I know where I'm heading, i'd be sure that whatever I decide is right. But right now i cant afford to make mistake. I cant afford to be wrong. I should be a good example. I'm tired. I'm hella tired but Life must go one.

I used to know what i want. I used to know what my goal is but now its all UNCERTAIN... I just go w/ the flow. I just follow where the breeze sends me. I just hope wherever it goes, it will be the right thing to do...

our electric bill

its getting higher and higher since the summer started but not as bad as it was last year. Last year however our housemate didnt really care that it was the DAD paying for it but my ever so nice hubby cared so he told his parents after settling down here and having a job that he'd start paying for the bills... Well it was after summer so it wasn't that Bad.

Last year it was 3 months of bet. 200 - 300 dollars a month. August was the baddest that it reach almost $400. Tsk.. Nakakahiya pero yung mga tao dito walang HIYA!

This year it started w/ $90 for june $120 for july and $180 for august... Mind you Nik doesnt make a lot, dapat 1 week of his pay will just go sa utilities then the other 1 week for the credit card bills then the next 2 weeks are for groceries/gas and savings and well a lil dine out...

And suppose this "housemates" we have are to move out... THey've been here for 2 days for some military duty and the girl (i actually like her except the fact that di nagtatyaga sa heat!!!) and they haven't finish packing their stuff kaya di namin magawang maayos room nila! its the GUEST ROOM! they'll have their own place so they better not think its their room parin... so anyhow, THEY'VE BEEN TURNING ON THE AC IN THE MORNING!!!! ITS NOT FAIR KASI I MAKE TYAGA TILL NIK GETS HOME FROM WORK @4pm AND HAVE IT ON FOR AN HOUR OR 2 JUST TO COOL UP THE HOUSE PERO SILA NOOOOOOOOOOOO....

dammit! i really want to settle this AC issue, i swear its not being fair anymore... I am suffering from the heat to you know but am I complaining??? NOOOOO... i suck it up and deal w/ it... I just hope they stop coming to this house i swear!!!!

opinion PLEASE!!!

okay i made a registry at http://www.babiesrus.com since everyone except nik has been telling me to make one. Well, I finally did and I'm kinda uncomfortable because some stuff are just expensive. Not that i chose it to be expensive its just that I went for stuff w/ good reviews and something that is really important and safe. Safety is an issue and getting stuff that doesnt have a good review is a waste right??

so anyways, i did make one but i havent told anybody except well Nik since i showed him the stuff i posted and my SIL although she hasn't seen it yet... I'm hoping that I'll get all the stuff i posted para i dont have to buy that much anymore but ofcourse, WE ARE buying the crib, changing table and stroller. So that's not in the list... Too bad all my friends are so far away, so i really hope someone will get me those stuff!!!hahaha

so if you're me, will you make a registry? di ba nakakahiya???

dont u think its unfair?

2 people who lives w/ us here in the house are being a pain. They think that because this isn't their place, they can just do what they want. Heck! it annoys me when they see us clean, i mean thoroughly cleaning the place and yet they still mess it up. Like the kitchen, you see we spray it w/ disinfectant and yet they mess it up w/ sticky stuff and they just wipe it in a way that its sticky... doesn't that ever annoy you???

or they turn on the AC when we don't even though that coz we conserve energy and even if its hot, we just let the fan do its job instead of saying, Man its HOT and switch the AC on... I can do that if im insensitive but i dont since i pity Nik for he's the one paying for the electric. I barely even wash our clothes, i mean, I wash prolly 3x a month that way its a lot and i don't have to use too much heater on the dryer although i know it uses more of the electric than the gas in the first place and yah, we pay for the water too... Paying for the Gas and the Phone after over a year of living here isn't that bad right? I mean you werent even sensitive enough to think that the Dad is paying $300/mo for 3 months over summer because you were living high and mighthy w/ the AC on all the time because it was hot.

I can totally relate w/ how we feel in this place, its like Hell but then, i'm trying to be sensitive in not making my husband pay more than enough and besides he doesn't make that much. Fuck! this really frustrate me but like my husband says, money isn't worth fighting for but someday somehow a time will come that i will not keep my mouth shut and say what i wanna say. Fuck if i'm the bad person but hey! look into yourself and ask AM I BEING FAIR TO THIS PEOPLE????

i think she is!

i think my sister is bipolar! i talked to her OMG she's just so weird, its like 2 personality in one... Oh well, she's still my sister even if she hurt me a lot i still love her but well I don't think ill ever ask favors from her ever...

it hurts to hear your sis say....

i hurt so bad right now.... A person who is flesh and blood has said after my mom told her that when she's here she can help me out coz i'm about to give birth by that time and she just replied "AYOKO NGA, GAWIN NYA LANG AKONG YAYA" in a bitchy way. I hurt. I never do that to my siblings, never did. My brother was here for 7 weeks and never did i ever commanded him to do something for me, he hates it when i carry the laundry basket saying I shouldn't be carrying heavy stuff because its bad for the baby. I've been living here for 3.5 years now and I've been able to survive everything. A person, flesh and blood says that to your mom about you and your mom knowing you will find out told me before i get to hear it from someone else. It hurts... try to imagine how it feels but i'm not gonna mop around and live my life because of what she said. I have Nik, i have my mom and i have people who are more willing to help me in everyway they can even when they are so far away...

sorry mag mumura talaga ako eh!

magmumura ako dahil gusto ko at dahil naiinis ako sa ginagawa mo! tang-ina! wala ka na ba talagang pakialam sa family natin? ganyan nalang ba talaga tingin mo sa tatay mo porke nakapagtrabaho ka? sino ka sa akala mo? dahil ba nurse ka ganyan ka na mag asta? ang yang boyfriend mo PUTANG INA NYO! kahit kapatid kita, tangina ni minsan di ko ginawa yang pinagagagawa mo sa nanay at tatay natin. KUNG WALA KANG RESPETO! Umalis ka sa bahay at wag ka nang mag hanap ng pamilya dahil kung ayaw mo sa amin, pwes ayaw ka din namin. Akala mo kung sino ka talaga, kung ikaw mabubuntis! tang-ina ang TANGA MO! letche ka! ginagawa mo kaming tanga lahat, kapag nagkasakit si dad ikaw lahat sisisihin namin hangang sa di mo kayanin...mark my word mark my word! fuck you!

lalala

5 days to go till i get to hug and see my lil bro! i'll surely give me a big kiss on his cheeks eventhough he's 18 now. i just miss him and he'll always be my baby... 10 days to go till i will hear some news over something. I'm excited. I wanna write everything there is that i can write but for now i'll wait till the 8th of April will pass and the 13th of April will come. so...... lalalalala is all i can say for now:) and definitely there'll be pictures of this events:)

will be updating after friday the 13th..

since my lil bro is coming over on the 8th! yey i can't wait... and there's some stuff that i will find out on the 13th... i guess i'll be updating till then... i'll be writing whatever stuff i can think of between today till the 13th...so till then...:)

its just a croissant..

i just want a supreme croissant of jack in the box for over 10 days now and still i haven't got any at all. Its only $1.99 +tax and its just right across where he works and he cant even buy me one. i'm really hurt.

i need ur opinion!

is it okay to be friends w/ the EX?

would you let you bf talk to his ex?

i need your opinion on this...

wers the respect?

a question? you know something but you keep it to yourself that way it wont become a big deal. now you know she doesn't respect anyone, what would you do?

*&^%$# if it's bamba, ill kick her ass for sneaking in her bf. i dont give a damn if you think you're adult but in your parents house, you don't do such thing! too bad i'm insomiac that i know and hear lots of stuff!

my baby is such a sweetheart!

we dont really celebrate the v-day since i'm one of those people who think this day is korny. Why not do whatever it is you do on a v-day on any day right? anyways, my buboo is such a sweetheart, he had to take sa test this morning that he left early. he got home 2 hours later we a rose and a heart shape balloon and my breakfast (jack in a box supreme croissant!-been eating this a lot lately..hehe my latest addiction) and a nesquik chocolate drink! i was too sleepy that i just gave him a kiss and snuggle on his arms and went back to sleep. then we woke up at 11:45am and he made lunch! bbq rib eye steak! yummy... hehe my day was mainly spent here at the house wearing my pjs! since hubby had to work at 2, i had some cleaning to do...and i've been lazy to cook since there's still left overs then i got a call from hubby telling me to check what time does our fave jap. resto closes coz i dont have to cook, we'll just buy food... hayyy...today was my day of being pampered... thanks to my buboo:)

3 years ago::: Feb. 14, 2004 was the day that me and nik had our first conversation at some baby shower party in Lincoln St. in Alameda and he asked me if i wanna play billiards, i turned him down since i'm not really good at playing pool. funny! we never thought we'll end up being married.

level 10

ok my stress level is going higher again...NOT GOOD! i hate it when i'm stress already and then other people would make me more stress... as much as i try to breathe in & out and say grusfraba (is that right karen?) i just cant hold it and i snap.... today was something. On our way back home from walmart (we had to buy blank dvd's for the dvd cam) there's this dude in a green ranger pick up trying to drift or something like that. that he actually turned 180 deg (facing the traffic) in the intersection. And it was raining so the roads are slippery... situations like this, i freak out (for one i've experience turn-turtle accident and almost falling from the ridge from the past 6 years??) but i try to remain calm by being quiet. I was gasping the dvd's when it all happen in front of me actually. Goodthing that person didnt cause any accident. Then we had to enter the freeway on our right to pick up my sister-in-law's friend who's coming w/ us to the airport. as hubby made a right turn, well, he was kinda fast and it was slipper (from the rain and some sand) the car was kinda screeching on the road. my impulse made me shout SLOW DOWN at the same hit my hubby in the head w/ whatever it was i was holding in my hand. IT WAS AN IMPULSE! it wasn't meant to happen. i know it hurt and he was hella mad and to think this all happen w/ my sister-in-law as a witness. I was so quiet on the way home, i was scared at hubby coz i know it was my fault in hitting him but hey! i wouldn't have hit him if he didnt do what he did right? and it was an IMPULSE action. i hate it when he plays around my stress level. I cant controll my stress any longer and its not good. By the time we got home, i was getting my stuff to go out of the car he stopped me then gave me a hug and a kiss and i said sorry coz i know it's my fault and i'm not suppose to hit anyone but i cant help it.... and i was still numb!

w/ my stress going up and down, i'm actually feeling my chest feeling heavy everyday. My uncle had a quadrople (i have a feeling i spelled it wrong) bypass 10 months ago because of stress... and my grandpa had a multiply bypass coz of diabetis. IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY!!! now here i am 25 years old, no health insurance feels heavyness on my chest coz of stress when I'M NOT SUPPOSE TO BE STRESSING.... dammit. I don't want to stress anymore, LIFE is too short and i wanna enjoy it. and i wanna experience being a mom. haaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy

no parent-in-laws for 3 weeks...

yes my parent-in-laws are on their way to PI... papa haven't been home for 9 years while mama for 13 years. I'm sure they'll be amaze at how philippines had change in a decade. They went home for papa's homecoming batch '77 in PMA. As what i've heard, its a biggy and most of his batchmates that are still in the service are all generals. If he didnt decide to join his family here in US 9 years ago, he'd be a General in the Philippine Airforce by now but well, its for the best. So for the next 3 weeks, we'll mainly spend my hubby's day off in San Diego to watch over his 19 years old sister... and well, i guess there'll be some house party that's gonna take place over there sometime in this next 3 weeks.

LAX is still a crazy airport... I still love San Francisco... Hayyyy...

other news: BAD TRIP! bakit ba ang guys masyadong manhid??? i swear! obvious na syado na ginagamit yung bestfriend nya to get hold of him to tell him the news "I'M GETTING A DIVORCE" wtf..... eh alam na nung girl kung tatawag cya di sinasagot tawag nya, gagamitin ba naman yung bestfriend to get hold of him? OMG..syadong obvious, eh namang mga lalake, syado manhid.... hmmm.....

its okay to be friends w/ the ex but hello! tantanan nyo na kung may sariling buhay na at masaya na sa ibang tao. i have 2 other ex's in my life, 1 of them is a total stranger while the other is we're okay. but i don't talk/text/chat or anything to them as a respect to the guy i'm going out w/. ewan ko ba.

guys are so..... EWAN!

grrr..... i swear i just wanna hit nik on his head. he's tired, i know that! but he should know that i'm bored the hell out of myself here in the house doing nothing but stare at the corners and he cant even give me a fraction of his time coz he want to sleep???????? i've been sleeping late for the past week. LATE means i've been sleeping at 5:30am already and i have no idea why. i'm tired but i dont want to take sleep aid, i'll do this on my own. i'm just mad and hurt for some reason. and I asked him this, what would be his ideal date? sinagot ba naman ako na i don't think of that coz i'm married. that's for people that are dating. dammit! sarap sapakin eh.

its your birthday...

ALLEN............. happy birthday.... i wish that you the happiness all life has to offer. May God continue to bless you and your family always. I love you gwaps!miss you and yngat, enjoy your day aitte?! mwah! talk to you soon!

my bestfriend is such a sweet guy

i was depressed, he gave me this:

Before you are tempted to give up or get discouraged, remember all success is based on long term commitment, faith, discipline, attitude and few stepping stones along the way. You might not like the store you are in right now but it’s sure to be the one of the stones that leads to great opportunities in the future

i actually printed this and put it at the first page of my notebook...thanks nok!!!! i'm so lucky i have you :) love you.....

pms'ng

i asked my mom if being sad when you have your period is part of pms'ing. she said, maybe i have depression. I told her i always get sad whenever i have my period, i cry for no particular reason, i start questioning everything about myself, i just cry and try to be alone. nik on the other hand is getting pissed over my drama, even though he tried so hard to be patient and understanding, i know he's getting pissed. i do this to him all the time. i wonder how i'll be when i'm pregnant.. i guess it would be hell!haha

i'm sad right now, i'm super depressed, i want to sleep but i just cant. and if i try doing my HW (i did the research part already, i just to summarize and analize the article) my mind goes blank. i have days when i'm super depress but i fight it. its not something that needs attention w/. although i wonder what if i have?? i have an uncle (dad's bro) who had depression issues and i have a 2nd cousin who's in a high state of depression too and a cousin who got multiple personality disorder for some reason. so i guess it's in the blood...

or maybe because i've been getting frustrated of how my life is turning up. i'm getting frustrated over people's choices in life, i feel that everything is not right anymore. I'm tired, i know that for a fact although i had over 10 hours of sleep today. I don't know whats going on anymore and which path to turn when over 3 years ago, i know my goal but seems to me i forgot what it was...

other thing - had a discussion w/ hubby tonight over me saying this "well, i don't trust that friend of yours so i won't let you be w/ him alone, let alone let you guys go to vegas to visit your bestfriend together" he said DONT EVER SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT MY FRIEND %$#&. wtf... that friend of his is a crack head! ofcourse i don't trust him, even if he said that he doesn't ask him to do drugs w/ him, the temptation is there so you cant blame me right???? i was totally hurt when he said that. well, i still wont let him go w/ him anywhere together or let alone be near each other.

-----

as i'm at this state, i'm thinking of smoking. i barely smoke, you'd say i don't really smoke but at the moment, i'm really thinking of smoking and drinking coffee or those stay awake tablets and have a high caffeine on my system w/c is bad. and i said to myself that i'm getting weirder... tsk i don't really blame stuff on PMS, i never do. But right now, i have no other option but to just blame it on my hormones. :(

NOVA!

im jealous w/ you guys! island hopping the mt. climbing??? asar! me and allen are getting are a** froze over here and you guys are enjoying everything under the sun...man i so wish i'm over there! the next time i'll go home, lets go island hopping and other stuff too.... the last time, i was only w/ wella! so we better be complete+myti when it happens ok?!?! and details girl details!!!!! do i hear wedding bells soon????hhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm

to my friend...

i'm here for you always, i respect you for not telling us before. It's okay. I could say i know how you feel coz i've been there and i know your hubby will always take care of you. It will come, you know it will.... So you and hubby should be patient okay? for now, spend all the time in the world w/ your lil' girl. I love you.

i hurt

i hurt inside and i just want to stop hurting. funny things happen in life that sometimes you just cry instead of laughing. I don't know what to do anymore, i'm so tired of this so tired. This isn't like this all the time but when it happens, the pain is something you just cant understand. Why???????????????????? i don't deserve this. I'm tired.

Updates

January 2007:

Happy New Year to all! My blog updates would definitely late. Well, lately the connection we have here isn't really that good. My computer at work keep messing up, I need to reformat this but I'm still waiting for a perfect timing that my boss would not rush some paperwork. Internet connection keeps failing down...urghh!!!! gets into my nerve sometimes..makasapot! hehehehe...

Since I'm back from work again, I am doing the same routinary works all over again. I'm not sure on how long will I be able to stay here. I'm losing what I have studied before, how can I move on into another level when I don't know how to start again? BUMMER!!!!

tsk damn job, when will i ever have one??

I was gonna apply for a "planning intern" but i turned in my application too late so that leaves me in a dead end again. Man, i really don't know what i'm gonna do w/ my life although i love being at home and doing nothing but i just got to earn some moolah to be able to save or buy whatever i want and not feel guilty in spending it. tsk tsk...

i did apply in an employment agency to help me find the job that i want and i have an interview set for tomorrow at 12:30pm so guys, wish me luck. I wish i can see what i want in a clear view. Hubby doesn't want me to work, i know that for a fact but i'm getting too bored here that i want to do something. We haven't played golf for a while coz its been cold and well, the holiday left us both broke so we're catching up.

I wanna go to the gym, after a year break from not going to the gym, i finally want to take that step and try to make my life be healthy but i need a job to do that. Its not that expensive but i don't want to spend money that i didnt earn although i know hubby wouldn't really mind.

I've been reading too much pocket books lately, i guess i've been eating up my time reading cheesy stuff w/c reminds me of my cousin's bestfriend who's an author in pi who told me to write something and see if she can publish it...haha! yah right... i don't even write well..tsk tsk but well, my mind can make up lots of imagination but i just cant put it in writing..

anyways, i'm gonna try and make myself tired that way i can fall asleep early tonight. i really wish before this month would end, i will find a job.

i welcome 2007 w/ high level of stress

i was writing about my reflection of 2006 but i change my mind. I'm chatting w/ my cuzin, i told her about eh CO issue (hubby applying and passing the test). I'm really sad. Its new year and i'm suppose to start this year in a happy mode that way throughout the year i'd be happy but i'm not. I'm actually scared of this year for some reason. I don't know whether or not this will turn out pretty good or it will be the worst year of my life.

A realisation hit me today as we drove back home from LA (we dropped off my mom). I need to find a job and i need to have on before the month of january ends. I'm scared to make use of what i've learned because i honestly forgot most of it. I'm dumb. honestly. But i need to learn how to be independent.

I love my hubby too much, now i'm wondering, i can ever love him a lil less and put that love on myself??? i don't know where to start actually. Since the CO thingy had happen, i have hurt. I tend to keep quiet coz there's not point of arguing things. I try to convince myself that it's okay but deep down my heart, i still cant make him work over there.

If i love him less that means i wont worry as much. But that's not how its suppose to be, it wouldn't be right if i do that. But my head had been pumping too much w/ this issue. Maybe if the evaluation thingy didnt get canceled, i have a good chance on working as a junior engineer this year. That would mean i get paid well, that would mean hubby wouldn't think of looking for a job that pays 4x bigger than what he gets and ditch the nursing school.

i know everything happens for a reason but i wish 2007 would bring me luck. I'm tired of stressing. i understand though that hubby is doing this for me but living away from each other on most days of the week are for my benefit??? how so? i'm tired....